I don't know where you have gone, but I miss you.  Just wanted to let you know.  Take care.

I couldn't do anything that day besides cry.  Cry and feel sorry for myself.  Oblivious to anything that happened around me I decided to skip school that day and sulk in my own misery.  Cried for hours.  Stopped.  Then started to cry again for the lack of options.

My heart felt like it shattered.  Or at least wounded in the midst of a battle called love.  My mom came home from work and I strayed out of my dark bedroom into the living room where she heard my sobbing.  She took a look at me and asked what was wrong.  I started to sob even more and within choking gasps I told her I got dumped.

My mother laughed.  She chuckled and said to me; "why would anyone go out with you?  Look at you, your short, your stupid, your ugly and got nothing going on.  Why would anyone love you?"  I was taken aback by such cold and shocking comments that I immediately stopped crying.  Like a pale of ice water was doused over my head to wake me up.  She told me that no one will love me the way I am now, and she was right.  I assessed  myself, there and then in my head why a girl wouldn't like me, and that's when reality sunk in for a hormonally and emotionally dysfunctional teenager.

I was a nobody.

My mom's words still stick in my heart like a prick, like a reminder that grounds me and my often egotistic view of myself.  They ground me now and I work hard.  I work hard to better myself in any way I can physically, mentally and emotionally.  Just so I can get rid of this prick and prove to my harshest and loving critic that I am worthy of preceding her genes that she so bestowed upon me.

So don't worry ma, your voice is heard.  I'm gonna become better, I'm gonna become stronger and I won't let you down.  No matter what, until one day...  You can say that your proud of me mommy.

I love you, thank you for being here for me.

I want to preserve a memory here:

My grandpa is one of the coolest guys I know.  When we were kids he would record Japanese television shows and send it oversea to Canada and among those was Dragon Ball.  Living in Canada and having the privilege to watch Dragon Ball before it was even subbed or dubbed?  I think it made my childhood so rich and full of imagination that it literally took over my world.

When I was a kid my mom took me to a park and there was a huge honey comb shaped jungle gym and when I saw that I only had one thing on my mind.  That was to climb to the very top and then do a few front spins and land perfectly just like they do in Dragon Ball.  When I got up to the top I remember looking down and it was so high up that if I jumped I would physically hurt myself so I became paralyzed by the thought of being injured and started to cry.  A stranger had to come to the rescue and help me get down safely but in that moment I realized that reality sucks but  it's there and that we're bound by these rules that govern us and whats in our heads is a whole different story.

But reality isn't all that bad it can be quite amusing. So my older brother was there too and after I was safely down I remember seeing from afar my brother hit another kid on the back of the head and when the kid turned around and started to cry he ran away as fast as he could but what he doesn't know is that I was watching the whole ordeal and I couldn't stop laughing because I bet he meant to hit me instead.  It's funny how siblings feel like they share a sense of responsibility for each others actions I bet he was embarrassed that I was crying up on top of that jungle gym making a big commotion.  But to this day I have yet to confront my brother and ask him why he hit that kid, perhaps my reality in my head can be complete if I ever were to ask but then this story would have to change wouldn't it?  That seems to be the nature of reality, if one thing changes it seems to change the dynamics of everything.  But if I ever do find out the answer.  I'll let you know.

There's something about reading and writing that compels me.  Like reading a spell the words bind together to create meaning, an understanding and visions flow to a distant sea or into a gargantuan jungle.  Wherever the words lead you, they leave behind seeds of thought, and you think...  and they blossom in your heart to make you feel accordingly to what the spell has enchanted upon you.  Do you feel sad?  Did it inspire you?  Did it make you believe?

What did it make you feel.  A thought is contagious.  You have it and it grows, it leads to the next conclusion and continues to grow until it manifests itself in forms of actions.  And it spreads, you tell people and they know...  They acknowledge it.  I need you to tell me that you understand...  Just let me plant this seed in your mind.  "Believe in yourself and it'll come true", and those are just some words for you.

I sit here in front of my computer and I type away these words.  Working my magic and finding those strings.  Do I question myself as odd.  Or do I chance to entertain with my thoughts.  It's been a pleasure to have your precious time, but for now I must go.

But before that;

Allow me to introduce myself.  As Lester King.  At your service.

And so fair well, till I write again.

i was mad at myself throughout the day. 
i was mad because i realized i've built a peculiar lifestyle for myself.  i've built certain friendships around this lifestyle and to change myself would mean i have to say "no" and walk a different path.
saying no makes me sound like a snob.  like i'm too good for them, but that's not the case.  it hurts to refuse their offers because they're genuine.  they mean no harm to me, it's just a lifestyle we shared and what we're accustomed to and a part of my life i will never forget.
i just want to break away certain chains little by little to rid myself of bad habits, to become a better person, to embrace my potential.  but to do so requires me to turn down some friends, something i absolutely hate to do.
every day there's a battle in my head and the title goes; 'willpower vs.' my ally is my physical body.  i've been exercising to strengthen my willpower, doing some yoga to relax myself, i believe in will smith's philosophy of reading and running, so i read to gain information on how to win such battles, and i jog towards victory.
i'm doing this for myself, so i can be there for you.
i'm doing this because i honestly care.
i'm doing this to gain control over myself.

so y'all better watch out, i'm bringing myself back.

These chains of smoke surround me.
This is my battle, they got a chain around my will.
These chains of smoke trail me.
They tell me what to do and it's against my will.
These chains of smoke choke me.
They suffocate my will.
These chains of smoke will ruin me.
If I don't get a hold of my will.

So I made a vow to my will.
A pact to release these chains of smoke.
So here it is I'm breaking these chains and giving a boost to my will.
A pact to make me stronger so I no longer need the smoke.
So I write these words out to reinforce my will.

Goodbye.  Goodbye.  Goodbye...
So long, and welcome back my will.

i'm slightly back.
the change in weather and the scenery of the city is becoming more vibrant as the days go on... i can almost taste summer in the air.

on the bus ride to school yesterday i took in the freshness of the landscape as all the tree leaves and plants blurred into waves in a majestic sea of green, flowers blossoming in all sorts of shapes and colour like a parade of flamboyant jelly fishes.  i thought to myself how lucky i must be that we live in city literally built inside a temperate rain forest, surrounded by all sorts of vegetation and life.

i've been trapped in the oh so humbling societal life. you know the basics?  sleep, work, eat, sometimes school i say sometimes because that's the amount of schooling i get haha, not gonna lie though its pretty fun and awesome, hopefully by the end of this year i'll be a fully qualified chef... and somewhat ironically i'll have a diploma in cooking. >__>

it's really all pretty sudden i didn't really plan on finishing my red seal but i was apprenticed without asking and kinda got tied down to my work place, but hell its an awesome environment and the people are what makes the place so legendary.  (no pun intended for those who know where i work, it's more of a HIMYM barney legen-wait for it-dary!)

i kept denying myself that cooking wasn't for me.  but the past really doesn't lie.  i cared about cooking even back in high school when it really meant nothing yet.  i would volunteer after school to set up the treats and coffee for parents during band nights and special events (yeah that was my cupcakes you were eating) during grade 11 i got my first kitchen job at a pasta house as a dishwasher, scrubbing hundreds of saucepans a shift, usually didn't get off till midnight.  when i see kids in dish these days it reminds me of the time when i knew absolutely nothing.  its a rather humbling sensation.  at the end of my grad year i was somehow awarded the eckly award named after the home ec teacher who retired the previous year.  true story, im the second ever recipient and if you ever walk into the cariboo hill office you can probably find the plaque with my name misspelled as koth kawahara.  and no im not a moth.

i even gave up on cooking for awhile after i graduated from vcc because my heart wasn't in it.  my friend who invited/persuaded me to take the course with him decided it wasn't the path for him and left the industry making me question if it was the same for me.  but i explored and tried a bunch of different jobs and after being fed up with retail and such i came back to what im qualified to do, cook = ]  its almost been 2 years come this summer that i've been back in the kitchen, got placed into a pilot program to complete my red seal and currently being trained by the instructor of the year james kennedy.

after my schools done my sights are in traveling.  i want to explore the world, stay awhile aboard at different places as i learn new things, polish my skills so one day i can come back with enough experience to become an instructor myself, get voted head chef at vcc and follow through with operation dumbledore hogwarts.  lol.

anyways that's just where i'm at at the moment, just treading along the path as usual but lately i feel like sprinting...  like my pace in life is too dull and i need a bit more spice.  maybe i've been single for too long haha.

I'm not dead, I'm just finding myself at the moment.  Still need a little more time.

Have you ever felt like you have to try harder in order to become greater?
But then you realize that the only thing holding you back is yourself?

I'm currently in that position right now.  I got all the reason to become what I aim to be but the only thing holding me back is myself.

It's like being at the edge of the diving board or bungee jump, all you have to do is willingly walk off or jump off or even back flip off, the execution (ideas) are limitless its when you go ahead and do it and things all change in an instant.  The oh-oh feeling then the consequences of your actions descend upon you.  Maybe that's why its so hard to take the last step that counts.

How do you get rid of the oh-oh feeling and just blindly go?  Without thinking of the consequences, without fear of the unknown.

By definition courage would fit the answer - "the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery."

But then it comes down to... how the hell do I find courage in myself?! lol I need to go see the Wizard of Oz.

I told myself I wouldn't write about this in case he finds out but at this point I don't care and I don't think I can write in here if I don't get this off of my chest first.

So I'm not going to go into much detail just a summary (that's a lie I got a lot to vent) of my last 8 months and the cause of my absence.

I moved out around August last year to see what living on my own was all about, it was all gravy until about 2 months in...  one decision changed the rest of my life from then on.

Long story short, a childhood friend (who I haven't seen in 10 years or more) lost his place to stay and I just so happened to be there for him at the time of need so I offered him a place to stay until he can get back on his feet.  Yes that's the exact line I used "you can stay here until you get back on your feet."  Little did I know at the time he was going to take that line literally.

Worst mistake of my life.  It was cool and all living for a bit with a roommate but this guy just overstayed his welcome.  I was being the dumb one for not kicking him out but I just didn't have it in me to say gtfo.  Even in a nice way because I was the one that welcomed him in.  I wish I was righteously selfish then I wouldn't have had to go though the whole ordeal...  but that's life right?  You never know until you go though it.

Anyways in the time he stayed at my place he got a full time job as a supervisor, started to earn more money than me, quit smoking and even saved up enough to lease a car... without even paying a dime for rent, utility, hydro, nothin'.  But the reality was, he was living under the roof I pay for, at the expense of my freedom and my money, while he got to save what he made and spend it on anything he liked...  for 6 damn months... WOW.  That made me feel like an idiot typing that out.

So I told him straight up that I was choked living at my own place (cause it wasn't anymore) and all he had to say was "I'm sorry I never meant to stay this long". Ahem.  When I asked him how he was doing for saving up he said he was doing good, and when I asked him what his short term goals were he listed 1. getting his car fixed (which he blew the engine in) 2. saving up to move out "I guess" were his words.

2 months later heeeyyy he's still there.  So I managed to trap myself in with a monster, not speaking a word to him in the last months and he still STAYED.  I don't know but if I were him, I would have left a long time ago if the person that I live with doesn't even speak to me.

In between all this there was a little bit of heart break (wasn't little at all it was devastating) but that's all of the past.

On top of that the ceiling in the suite started to leak and I filled out a work order in November but they fired the landlord at the time and hired a third party company to take care of the premise but they also didn't reply to my e-mails or voice messages that I left behind so I got fed up and left last month lol.  They were surprisingly prompt at filling in an eviction notice though.  How thoughtful of them.

So I ended up moving back home to my parents place, but I kept my own internet line haha, gotta love lag free internet.

There you go, my story about how I ended up getting classified as a boomerang generation.  Just kidding.

So to explain my absence I was going though some major depression and didn't have motivation to do anything but work my ass off to keep me occupied and be lazy whenever I had the time...  I don't know how it happened but with that formula I managed to save a bit of money and now debt free just 6 days back home.  lol

Damn, I almost forgot how good it feels to actually type whats on your mind...