Why do I love the internet so?  I love it for the blogging community of people wanting to spread their words to the vast array of videos compiled on stream sites, to the copyright infringement music and movie torrents (and anything else torrent) to the vast depths of compiled knowledge of wikipedia to the outskirts of dictionary.com and for those who wanna fit in, urbandictionary.com.

To the scanlation manga's to being able to bank online, shop online.  Find friends online.  Play games online.  Shit we do have a Pandora like Avatar it might as well be the internet.

We create profiles, upload pictures, make characters in games and we hop into the exciting world which connects us together in one.  But I'm just sitting in front of this monitor typing away absorbed and when I take my eyes off the monitor it reminds me that I live in a reality where people choose to indulge themselves in activities like this.

I personally should be outside jogging.  Or that's what my mind is telling me to do anyways.  I know it's the healthy choice, but when did we ever really care about being healthy?  Junk food, fast food, pop, substance abuse, laziness, we really don't have control over our mind eh?

I want to give hope but hope is hard to give when you lack it yourself. 

All I want is to feel the sun on my face again...  I want to close my eyes and look towards the heavens as I stand surrounded by a tropical ocean with the warm sand between my toes.  A breeze carrying the scent of the ocean mist gently engulfs my entire body.  I listen to the rustling of the nearby plants, the waves rolling in and out, a gulls cry pierces the soothing melody orchestrated by nature.   I want the rays from the sun to envelope me with its warmth and kindness.  As I stare up with my eyes closed all I see is red, the suns ray piercing through my eyelids to tell me that I am alive and that my blood flows under my skin like the rivers to the ocean.  That I am a human on Earth.  Admiring your capacity for life oh Mother.  I need your warmth... I need your love... because I know in my lifetime... it is the only thing eternal.  Wherever I may go I know your presence is with me...  and that, is the type of comfort I long for.  I am a creature of light and your beauty gives me hope to live on.

I was listening to my music play list that consists of hundreds of songs and Taylor Swift's song Breathe started to play and I looked at the clock exactly when she was singing "It's 2 AM feeling like I just lost a friend, hope you know it's not easy, easy for me".  I felt like I needed to digitize this coincidence because it was 2 AM and I felt exactly what she was singing about...  I opened a window, went to my xanga page typed "fhfghfghfgh" and clicked "Save Changes" and abruptly canceled the feed that was going to my Facebook because people would be confused about an entry with just "fhfghfghfgh" as it's content...  all I wanted though was the time stamp for my post to be 2 AM.

Truth to be told, I like Taylor Swift's music.  I've always liked it for it's genuine portrayal of emotions.  In the past her music got me through a lot of tough times and I am truly grateful.  I feel like I owe her a thanks.  I realized that the co-writer for the song is Colbie Caillat...  which comes to two more songs I wanna share by Colbie...

Just listen.

Okay so I don't know if you can relate, but I can relate it to a past memory sometime in my life...

I'm stressed.  I'm tired.  I even thought of having a cigarette again...  I almost gave up... but someone reminded me about the power in music...

Music... I realized is my savior.  Without it, my life is dull and monotone.  I can't sing well, but I realized that I sing every day, all the time, non stop, in my head, out loud, anywhere...  So much that I think people actually don't realize how often I'm singing because they're so used to it...

There is power in music...  and it works in mysterious ways...

That's all I want it to be.  I know it's going to be an awesome year, for some reason I feel like I'm going to accomplish a lot.  Let's hope I'm right.

New Happy Year people.  Get on with it. = ]

Good luck.

http://www.myspace.com/djphotik

So they dubbed this decade the "Decade of Technology".  I'm gonna go back to what started it all for me.

Back in Y2K I was just finishing off elementary school and still remember "Computer Class" where we'd just literally waste time messing around with computers, classics being Oregon Trail, Paint, that generic typing practice program, Neopets, web surfing, Hotmail, ICQ, Magic School Bus games, etc.  We were like lab rats lol no pun intended.

What made the internet so personal from the get-go?  E-mail.  The new decade to come in communications was a digital one.  And we all carry a digital persona.

Zell Deen

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Registered since:  June 15, 2000

Definitely not my first e-mail but my first internet identity worth remembering I suppose, the dot com boom of the late 90's early 2000's made everyone get an e-mail account whether you wanted it or not, gaming accounts, websites, whatever, needed an e-mail account to register to saying that its you.  Everyone was all the rage about choosing an e-mail that said something about themselves.  Zell?  Is the same Zell Dintch from Final Fantasy VIII a game I adored as a teenager.  DEEN, one of my favorite Japanese band first introduced to me in a Playstation 1 game called Tales of Destiny.

The internet was so slow back in the days.  Our family had a PC but only because I whined and cried saying that I couldn't do school work as well as the other kids if I didn't have a computer for research LOL.  I'm sure we rocked the 56k modem till it became obsolete to use because a lot of websites started to become graphic heavy and that's when broadband internet started to become more common.

Playing Star Craft on 56k was memorable. "DROP HIM HE LAGS!", "man i can't play i got 4red, im gonna lag out".

Surfing for porn on 56k was like unraveling a present, it took forever for one picture to load that it was like flipping a page of a Playboy magazine very, very slowly, but on the screen it was from top to bottom lol.

Midway through the decade I was in high school and we were advised to shift towards a more subtle and non-childish e-mail for resume use and professionalism.  Mine became the one I still use today because of its simplicity and well... it's just my name.

Kota Kawahara

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Registered since:  January 26, 2004 

I was actually quite pleased that no one had taken my name yet lol you know how it goes once its a duplicate, they suggest you to put numbers on the end or underscores and what not.  I wanted to keep mine simple.

Midway through the decade I really got into the internet and everything associated with it because I purchased my own computer and had access to cable internet haha.

Xanga was a high school boom, and personally I thought it was gonna be nothing more... but now its a story book of my life, ups and down, oddities and sorrows.

So I'm just gonna write whats on my mind... nothing really important just some mumbletypeg while I think.

Aight coo, first throw.

So whenever I watch Planet Earth or any documentary films I'm always amazed at the diversity of life on this planet and I realized that its not just this planet, its everywhere else in this universe...  this constant change is the universe going its course about things with certain rules which we now know as laws.  I'm sure there are still many more "laws" to be found but humans seem to keep finding them and using it to our advantage...  Makes me wonder if our existence can actually change the course of universal history... you know Hollywood movie stuff so we prolong the suns life, space colonies, etc... cause 1 billion years from now the sun's gonna radiate too much heat for our ozone layer to handle.... but 1 billion years later what the hell would the human race be doing? (If we didn't already destroy earth inhabitable or by total annihilation by nuclear strike yet).  Makes me wonder...  Right, back on topic, by watching those documentary films it kinda made me realize why earth is so diverse.  If scientists calculate that our universe (who knows how many more universes may co-exist) is around 14 billion years old and that it took earth as we know it now around 4.54 billion years... life they say started as early as 1 billion years ago, that's still technically 14 billion years in its making to become what it is now cause all those prior events needed to occur like the birth of our Sun 4.7 billion somewhat years ago.  Our sun is somewhat of a special gal too, scientist say its 85% brighter than most stars around the galaxy : O

So throw number 2.

If we are a product 14 billion years in its making, that's a crazy amount of time for stuff to evolve and since we now have an active consciousness to comprehend such information... here's what I think.  Or better yet, here's what the universe is thinking inside of me.  There once was a big bang that started it all, who knows what it was.  Maybe a love story of two unknown particles that decided to be together.  From that moment their love sparked the beginning of their journey.  14 billion years later here I am as a human telling their story.  From nothing here is everything.  From simplicity now to complexity.  From non-organic to organic.  This universe is flexing its muscle to see what it can imagine next.  Ironically I'm driven by the same force that initially started the whole shebang, gravity?  Attraction?  This instinct of wanting to be together...  When the big bang took place the universe scattered...  I think the universe finally found its solution to have control over its own actions... maybe its us?  Maybe through us, it finally found a way, to consciously find that special something, (affinity?) or someone (love?) to make the universe a little happy.  To have a glimpse of that initial moment, when it was together and nothing else mattered... This universe is living its life through us till the big crunch hits.  I'm just glad I know I'm apart of it doing mah thang.  Hahaha. 

Third and final throw.

I want to go swimming.  I want to dive deep into the ocean, and become lost inside it's beauty.  That thought alone consists most of my thoughts these days.

For me, feeling good was a hard thing to achieve in the past.  I would always be thinking about the what if's, materialistic things, the past, people of the past, past scars.  Or the future; "when am I gonna get to go home", stressed because of things that hasn't even happened yet.  I felt lost every day not knowing what I'm really supposed to do.  Good feelings, you know, joy, content, profoundness, motivation, happiness, bliss, euphoria, invincibility, Star Power, fulfillment.  They were all overshadowed by my bickering mind and without profound feelings like those its hard to keep a straight course to accomplish anything worth while...  Confusion is the only byproduct, a mindless wandering of a philosophical zombie.  A constant battle to control which part of my mind governed my actions.  Being selfish or being selfless.  Being aware in the moment, or dwell on matters not important at the moment.

My life was a day dream.  Until I woke up one day and realized life's too fragile not to go for what I believe in.  And a life aimlessly living isn't living at all.

So what did I do to feel better?  I started to do a few things to get to where I am now.  For one, I stopped regretting and started living in the moment.  That took a lot of load off my mind.  I used to regret about all the things I didn't do.  How stupid does that sound?  For all my regret that I built up over my life, I said goodbye to.  There is no point dwelling and regretting on the past that I cannot change.  I realized what I can change is my future.  My future is governed by the actions I take and my actions I make is in the moment.  So in this moment I deem writing this entry is worth my time because I get to express how I feel to others.  And if I didn't believe that wholeheartedly I wouldn't have gone through all this effort and my thoughts will remain within my head, trapped unexpressed.

Now that's something I would regret.  So hello, here I am.  The second major thing I did was taking care of my physical body.  I started working out again and started eating healthy again.  Even if its just a little work out every night.  Being physically fit in my eye is equal to being mentally fit.  Without the body the mind cannot fulfill itself and vice versa without the mind the body ceases to function.  After falling sick last month I traced steps back as to why I became sick.  Not taking care of myself properly (smoking), improper diet (McDick), improper sleep (few hours to long days of work), over doing it basically is what I was doing and I fell sick.  I realized the importance of making the right decisions the hard way.

Third, I quit smoking.  This one was a huge battle and I'm very proud of it.  Although not a long time smoker I was a daily smoker of around average of 5 to 6 a day.  1 when I woke up, 2 when I was on break at work, 3 would probably be a smoke break, 4 would be the one after work, 5 would be the one I smoke at home, 6 depending on how long I stay up the night, or a good night cigarette.  So going from that, to being sick, to having h1n1 + withdrawals = motivation to quit.  I did it for my physical health, financial health and mental health.

I knew what I was doing was hurting me, I know benzene, formaldehyde and all those other chemicals mixed with the tar layer my lungs giving myself a better chance for a mutation to occur thus making them co-carcinogens.  So if I know the facts, why did I keep deceiving myself?   Self gratification, addiction, a habit.  Nicotine is addictive and forced with making it a habit makes it harder to quit.  Being sick and unable to physically smoke was a blessing in disguise.  I was forced to quit in other words, it was my time.

Now I can say I used to smoke, and I know the difference.  The difference in thought is tremendous.  I no longer have myself nagging to myself telling myself that I need to smoke a cigarette.  No longer am I telling myself that I need to go to the corner store to buy a new deck cause I'm running low.  No longer am I checking every morning if I got my pack, my lighter, wallet, keys, cellphone.  No longer am I spending money to kill myself and those I cherish and love.  No longer are my actions associated with cigarettes.

Now, I have more thought time, to think of the right decisions that matters the most in the moment.  Now, I have full control over my thoughts, and my health.

Everyone knows whats right for themselves, but laziness is the most dominant human characteristic it's overcoming that laziness that makes one greater.

The fourth major thing I did to be happy is to try my hardest.  I know that if I worked hard, I can achieve great things, and by working hard I can get closer to my goals.  That way I don't have to regret not trying because I tried my hardest to get what I want, the satisfaction of knowing you tried and the experience garnered from it is never in vain.  Hard work will always pay off and that is a fact.  Some people may be slow to acknowledge or realize but when they do realize you are working very hard, they appreciate it and the results show dramatically.

There is more things that I've done but those seem like the best things I've done so far to change my ways to make my life a happier and healthier life.

If y'all don't wanna read all that I think this video will sum it up okay with celebrity endorsement... lol, enjoy.

Today I had another lesson smacked into me.  My wrong is acknowledged and I accept my flaws.  No point arguing, no point raging, no point in instigating something I have created... without my presence and... ultimately because of my presence...   No story.  That's that.  I don't feed the evil that ruins lives.  I can't.

In the past I would have lost full control of myself and let the day rot away as my mind dug itself deeper unto the Darkness within...  I would have shut up, not smiled, think of nothing else but wanting to go home...  but I didn't.  I took a break, pulled out my notebook and started to write...  and so I did;

"I write to think and think to write.  Questions arise and my thoughts scatter wild.  A secret caucus meeting with the inhabitants of my mind... Me, Myself and I...  Endless brooding, intentions, ill thoughts...  So many Ego's...  Clashing, fighting...  My reality falls in the grip of the Condemned, no longer awake.  An independent monster, unleashed to destroy what I cherish so.

I stepped away from everyone and declared my isolation to which I only dig myself deeper into this eternal abyss.

Void.  I wander these corridors taking meaningless left's and right's.  My eyes are clouded and my heart is shut.

Little hope did I have of pulling myself out of my own grave... but within the Darkness I heard your voice...  A single word echoed in my head then resonated throughout my body...  'Namaste'.

'The Divinity within me perceives and adores the Divinity within you.'

I opened my eyes and let the light shine through...  and what I saw, made me smile so much that in that instance, nothing else mattered...  I was here, with you, nowhere else..."

Thank you, for bringing me back in to the light...

It annoys me that I can't find the perfect words to describe you, the ones I can think of are all cliche and over used.  The simplest has been deformed by those who use it as a means to get what they want.  But me, no, not I.  I rather describe how you make me feel...

When you hug me, it brings meaning back into my life.  I squeeze you just a little tighter so I hope you notice that I care... 
When I see you come closer, my heart either skips a beat, or decides to do a marathon which literally leaves me breathless...
When you compliment me...  it motivates me to do better, to do more, to learn more so you can notice me just a little bit more. 
I try my best to keep a smile on my face when you talk about all the boys you like...  I'll even help you out if that means I get to spend some time with you...
And that time I hurt you...  I wanted to kill myself...  I wanted to warp back in time, slay myself terminator style, and save you from the hurt I caused you... but I can't.  So I've accepted what happened and I want you to let me make it up to you some how... 
But when you tell me that you might be going away, I feel like there's a fuse attached to my heart now...  it's been lit and it has a time limit before it's going to explode.
I've fooled myself for so long...  about a year now, and I've learned that regret is a worse feeling to harbor than going for what I feel and feeling content in myself for trying no matter what the outcome is.
I've been a damn wuss and I'm actually quite sick of it.  I know I can do great when I want to, and right now is the time.
So I'm gonna play the cards that were dealt to me, and call "all in", so I can give you my all... because in this moment... I feel ready.

A blog just isn't a blog without pictures... and music.

On a windy summer day I was so intrigued to see so many clouds appear out of nowhere, morphing in and out of shapes like transformers or perhaps a god was sculpting the clouds into whatever shape he wished them to be...

For instance, lobster anyone?

Super Saiyan Ninja Dolphin?

Princess Peach giving me a thumbs up?!

And my favourite, the Guardian of the Sky.

But I wonder if this is all just a figment of my imagination, and that it's no different than a Rorschach ink blot... is it all in my head...?  To others it may be ordinary clouds... but to me... it is a world filled with joy...