i'm sorry i really do wish to be more formal and grammatically correct when it comes to writing but i just can't get over the fact that i'm too used to writing out my thoughts like this in these streamline of information that i cant stop, stop, stop, stop!

oops...  i'm just excited that i'm a lifetime xanga member now haha and i will explain why i have chosen to become so;

- my past is definitely worth keeping, for it made me who i am and i cannot be ashamed of my foundations
- history repeats itself in cycles, one day someone may stumble upon my xanga and read my older entries and gain insight on what they can do in their life
- by securing the past i have also secured the future, and by paying for membership i am supporting xanga for all the years it has allowed me to connect to people in my life
- by getting membership i can now take blogging to a whole new level, it almost feels as if this is a new beginning
- my xanga page always felt like a part of me, a part of my mind digitally immortalized as my mind will  forget and fade over time
- i want to be able to look back and say that i have done this, and have the proof to show it
- it feels like i have secured a sanctuary i can call my own in this vast space called the internet
- i love other xanganians, who love to blog and know that there is much power in words

anyways those are just a few reasons why i chose to become a lifetime member, i will continue to support xanga so this legacy can carry on well into later generations, and i wish to evolve and develop alongside them.  they have been committed to the people, and now that i can afford it, it is time for me to pay them back.

one day, i want to take all my entries i have written in here, and create my own autobiography.  a hard cover with personal art... how cool will that be? XD

ps. i know by typing this i am forcing myself to get off my ass, get ready for this.... i am, going to start practicing my cooking for my second year apprenticeship practical test and i want to blog it so i can share my knowledge to those who wish to learn how to cook these recipes, (in full 720 HD video, its gonna be a vblog mini series) i'll be covering soups like consomme's, bisque's, stocks, glazes, and meats like stews and braises and stuffed veggies and such.  man! im getting excited just talking about it! lol the thing is, im broke at the moment cause i had to take roughly 2 weeks off due to h1n1 and so i need to work up some cash before i can buy all the ingredients, pots and pans, etc before this project lifts off.  but rest assured, the practical is in january so i have a whole month to practice so i can impress the judges = ]

To say goodbye my love.
To forgive and forget.
To apologize to the past so the future is accepting and that the present is here.
I want to be free you see, I don't want to harbor these feelings anymore...
It morphed from love, to hate, to empathy, to sadness to being empty.
My heart has drained through this hole and has hurt those I wished to love but could not.
I want to be forgiven and I also want to forget, so I can love the person that deserves it the most.
Because right here, right now, I know I want to be with you.

Once and for all, thank you and goodbye.
Hello to the new me. = ]

I want to write.  I have an urge to write the way I used to as a teenager, spontaneous, emotional, dysfunctional, unrealistic, imaginative, crazy, innocent, loving.  So much has changed within so little time that I have stumbled upon a strange thought.  As if dipping your hands into an unknown substance, the fear of not knowing and its possible harms, the grossness of the texture as it leaves your fingers slimy. We fear, we cry, we die. Morbid is the thought.  That I can see myself as a mere animal and this life is no different then any life on this planet.  That we are all one.  Strange.  I am not one.  But ten trillion.  I harbour life to be one, but one can only be one at the same level.  If a single cell is the basic structural and functional unit of all known living organisms and  is the smallest unit of life that is classified as a living thing, then a single human life is a heaven.  We are a temple.  And our souls are now one.  Strange... that as I write my heart pounds, my eyes water, and I feel at peace with myself...  As if my body is now one... As if I am finally whole. Writing down my thoughts eases my soul, as my body works as one to create my words, my thoughts.  The power in words is generations.  It is living essence trapped within time.  History.  The Past as it forever will be, the last thing written down.  And left, either to be read, or forgotten...  But nonetheless, I still love to write.

Peace out y'all haha.

To rant.

6 months absence of xanga as i was contempt in spreading my ideas and words through facebook notes or simply by writing my ideas down in my notebook.  i was contempt.

no longer do i feel that contempt as sharing ideas to personal friends or family isn't the same as ranting to complete strangers and random people. (aka the World)  the significance of it never really hit me till recently when i realized that comfort is the bane to mankind.  it truly is.

when we get too comfortable we lose sight on what is most important...  when i think of this a quote runs in my head over and over from the movie waking life...  the question was this; "which is the most universal human characteristic?  fear... or laziness?"

just hearing that, just by reading that i feel ashamed of my existence.  i, kota alex kawahara born on to this earth september 2 1987 at 1:15 am at the weight of 3,510 g is ashamed.  i have come to the conclusion that every misery, every illness, every unpleasant incident is in fact a by product of my own actions and my own actions alone.  no one has the power to rule my life other than myself.  i make the decisions, i make the connections and i am the one living in this body.  yet i realized that being comfortable and being routine is the essence of manipulation.

those who take action will always rule those who do not take action.

i have finally found a sense of self worth sharing.  it took me 22 years of my life to realize that life is abundant.  life is great and THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT WANTS TO CONTROL how you live, how you eat, how you breathe, how you breed, how you work and how you do everything.

we are at war.  this is a war between ordinary people like you and me and the fight for our TRUE FREEDOM and true self awareness.

i want to let you know this is a rant and has no significance other than personal justification.  why?  because i will not and can not tell people what to believe or what to think... THAT is a decision you must come up with yourself by trusting in no one else BUT yourself.

leaders will destroy their followers (how many have sacrificed their lives for the world leaders?) and followers will always destroy their leaders. (why do presidency change?  why do kings become beheaded?)

i wanna tell you all something.  this may seem far fetched but i want to make a difference to the world...  i want to help the "PEOPLE", fuck the leaders, fuck the rich ass corporate heads, fuck authority all they want is to control you more and take your money and force you to live miserably.

i want EVERYONE TO KNOW that you control your life and no other external force or power can control you.

i'm happy...  i AM HAPPY.  how many people can say that?  that they are content with themselves and that they are happy, and that i feel like i can accomplish everything because i no longer am tied down to what the controllers want.

im truly happy because i am now living in the moment.  enjoying the moment.  and i want to spread the word.

please...  live your moment, your life in the now where it matters the most...  when you worry about the past or the future you lose track of what is really important in your life...

i am signing off for now, but i will definitely be back for more.

i need to get my shit together before i start anything.  a basic principle im breaking from the beginning.

needless to say my foundations are strong.  just gotta knock shit over and start over...

whatever...  im done for now.  lets start anew...

so i was pretty sick last week and i think i know why.  im thinking most likey i contracted a minor variation or mutation of the swine flu thats already killed 149 people in mexico... apparently people who go back to their contries get better like any normal flu but people in mexico get it super sick cause of the environment...

anyways i was coughing up like mad so if anyone needs to be warned lol theres shit going around thats pretty strong...  im actually glad i get sick easily but recover super fast... just means my body's building up antibodies to fight back tons of shit lol... good body.

anyways i apologize if i got anyone sick. lol i came to work sick and all so. (stupid move, im not a trooper at all haha)

so yeah... im done blogging for now, PEACE!

brownies are the shit!

i can't hold in the urge inside of me to share to people the experience i had within this past month.
i have literally met the coolest people in my life, and have gone through the funnest days of my life so far.
it made me change my entire perspective of life completely.  the way you see the world, drunk, tweaking balls, baked as fuck or even all mixed at the same time.  you start to understand life as it is more clearly, it's no lie.
humans love to abuse.  we abuse to feel power, we abuse to gain power, we abuse to feel intimate, we abuse to feel good.  we abuse.  because we choose to.  that's all we are, creatures reacting to chemicals within our bodies to tell us how we feel or think.

here's a thought that made me feel insignificant; we are, in this universe depressing creatures.  if you believe in science then you can believe that whatever started the universe started as random particles which collided together by accident.  and from then on the universe expanded with this intricate weaving of masses, leading up to even the creation of organic life.  and to continue the elaborate dance of particles through that initial bang... here we are.  humans.  intelligent enough to realize that human kind, life as we know it, is just a lie.  a lie that makes us believe we are actually living but this is... just a story being told as the universe progresses into whatever it has in store from the very beginning. 
we are just playing our part in this gong show.

do you still believe in free will?

I just posted this My Bloody Valentine widget for 500 credits. You can earn free credits too!

i don't even want to type in riddles or poetry i just want to burst out.

i am for real.
i do feel.
i can't hold it in.
and no i'm not ready.
i'm probably not going to initiate anything.
i'm still dreaming.
i'm totally stuck.
its going through my head over and over again.
every night when i close my eyes its all i see.
hell even when i'm awake its all day dreaming.
i don't know what to do.
like i said i'm not gonna do anything.
i'm gonna go with the flow.
and i'm going to wait for you.
cause i like you thats why.
thats all there is to it.

let me down, let me down, carry me to broken ground.
bring me justice soul crusher. 
take it away now.
bring me soil oh sunshine, bearer of vain.
slowly, no, more slowly...
if i were a god, i think i could withstand.
but no.
i am.
a mistake.  but your just an angel.  you understand don't you?
i want you. 
that's what you are.
seduction, justified.
let it go.